Cyborg Ninja Pirate Ed
by darkshadowninjaassassinXXxX792
Summary: What happens when five teenagers get bored during lunch? They decide to liken Ed to Jesus! Who knew the bible could be this much fun?
1. Chp1 An apple a day keeps the doctor awa

Ed-san was weeping under a sakura tree, drinking from a flask of Saké. All around the rain was falling, save where Ed-san was sitting and the rain had been turned into wine. Ed-san could only find solace from his overly emotional soul when he was flamingly drunk.. so whenever he touched water

which was when it rained.

And when he took a bath.

And when he sweated.

And when he drank a glass of water.

And when he went swimming.

And when it was humid.

And when he went skiing.

And when he had a snowball fight.


	2. Chp2 A chain is only as stong as its wea

In fact, the only time Ed wasn't drunk was when he drank milk. So he hated milk.


	3. Chp3 Love comes around when doing things

And Ed wept.

Chapter 4 preview: Ed will be drunk.


	4. Chp4 The Do's and Don'ts

Nine years later, Ed was on a pirate ship to Jerusalem, He reminisced solemnly about his glorious time spent with the tree.

Ed discovered that there was a can-sized hole in the tree.

He thrust in.

The tree moaned in ecstasy.

And Ed wept.

Chapter 5 preview: Ed shalt cry whilst blazingly drunk.


	5. Chp5 A penny Saved is a Penny earned

Ed, came upon, Roy-chan one, day!!! And row was wet, Tired from the day's work, Ed lounged on Roy's junk in the setting sun. He helped to dry the salty spray off Roy's junk with both his hands – it was tiring work, but between the two, they managed, a salty taste left in their mouths.

It was first time Roy had needed help clean his junk in a long time. That night, the two slept well, exhausted from the day's work. They would launch the sails in the morning, but no earlier, for they didn't want to launch prematurely.

Ed was to return to his love, Mary, and


	6. Chp6 You have to kiss a few frogs before

Roy?!??


	7. Chp7 Slicker than snot on a doorknob

Ed: "Roy – you will now be a fisher of men."

Roy: "I'll have no such thing my fried. I'm afraid you must leave my junk."

Ed: "Very well. It saddens. Ne, but let it be so."

And Ed walked on the waters of Japan to the magical country of Toyko.


	8. Chp9 Dont count ur chickens b4 thy hatch

Ed-san woek the next morning with a super-special-awesome hangover and no recolection of the past events.

And he wept.

Chapter 10 preview: Ed will find the light.


	9. Chp10 It's always darkest just b4 dawn

It is mid-day, and Ed-san's hangover is starting to wear off. This is leaving Him with a massive headache. Ed-san continues to walk through the forest. As He tires, He looks for Bonsai tree for which He can rest against. Suddenly, Ed-san comes upon a small forest lake. As He stops for a drink, a suit of armour thrusts its hand from under the surface of the lake. Grasped in its hand is a Cross-shaped sword, kinda like the dagger symbol that you can do on a computer. Ed-san grasps the at the sword and yanks and yanks, and yanks some more. Finally, the sword, slippery and wet, comes free from the armoured hand. Now, exhausted and thirsty, He goes again to get a drink from the lake. Of course, as soon has he touches it, the lake instantly flashes into wine. Ed-san cannot control himself, and drinks many litres of the sweet, tart, lake. In fact, He drank so much that he swallowed the entire lake. Upon finishing the lake He finds the rusted body of Alphonse Elric, His long-lost brother. It had been Al-chan who trust the sword to Ed-san. Al-chan says to Ed-san that he wants to be Ed-san's disciple, and Ed-san replies, "No. I work alone."

To this, Al-chan whimpers, "But Brother, He who is All-mighty, I give You that sword so may do Our Father's biding, I waited for You for 11 years to give You it, and You reject my as simply as this?!"

"Al-chan, it is not that I don't want you... well, actually yes, it is that I don't want you. Good day and Good riddance."

Al-chan then leaves and Ed-san catches the glimmer of a razor blade slipping out of Al-chan's metallic arm, and hears Al-chan mention something about life no longer being worth it.

Al-chan has left, and Ed-san says to himself, "who the HELL was that?" and continues trying to find a bonsai tree to lay down by, preferably one with a can-sized hole.

And Ed-san Wept.


	10. Chp11 Throw the Baby Out w the Bathwater

Al sat alone in the lake. He wanted his bruther.

Wait, for it! Wait for it! You know it's coming….

Or you think you do.

But do you?

Let's see…

…And _Al_ wept.

And he rusted.


	11. Ch12Never look a gift horse in the mouth

Ed-kun was busy whittling a hole into the closest tree he could find (regrettably not a bonsai; Ed-kun had already wept about this), when he discovered his surroundings suddenly turning Technicolor!

Ed-kun discovered that there must have been a time skip while he wasn't watching, since nothing so random and bright could happen until the 60's.

Ed-kun walked along a road strangely paved with marigold-colored bricks. 'Would it kill them to use some black?' he thought humorlessly to himself.

Just then, Ed-kun came upon a fork in the road! Ed-kun hated forks because it reminded him of the saying, "Spooning leads to forking," and Ed-kun reflected on his intimate moments with his tree.

And Ed-kun wept.

Preview of the next chapter: Zombie flies attack a weeping Ed-kun!


	12. Ch13 Celibacy is rarely hereditary

Chapter 13

Soon Ed-kun was smashingly drunk, his favorite state, due to all of the weeping he'd been doing.

"Hey you! Pick a direction already," came a voice from the cornfield conveniently located in the road fork's gap.

"H-hey, quit forking that violate!" Ed-kun replied at the cornfield, which he soon realized had a green-haired man in the nearest corner towards the road.

The man with the palm tree-like hair sighed and asked, "Don't you mean violating that fork?"

"S'whah I sai-!" Ed-kun slurred, before passing out.

"I hate emos…" the scarecrow said under his breath.

TIMESKIP!!!!!!!!!

Somehow, with a very realistic explanation as for how, the scarecrow, aka Envy, managed to carry Ed-kun into an apple orchard.

"Hey look! I think it's a tin man!" said Envy as, on cue, a woman with all the right curves in all the right places revealed herself through the foliage.

"Mmmf!" said the curvaceous woman whom probably needed to be oiled

"How'd ya fin' her?" Ed-kun asked while lecherously viewing the equally curvaceous apple trees.

"The author of this chapter was getting bored and decided to rush along the Wizard of Oz metaphor," Envy replied.

"Wai', this is The Wizar' o' Oz? I thought I pass'd t'rough a wardrobe…"

Envy suddenly started hyperventilating. "Oh no! That must mean the tin man-"

"Mmmmmmmf!!!"

"Sorry, **wo**man must actually be the Ice Queen! What do we do?!?"

"Dunno," Ed said before passing out again. He turned the oil into wine while Envy was busy talking.

Preview of the next Chaper: Ed said, "Let there be wine." And there was wine. And it was good.


End file.
